random (ninepinksocks) wrote,

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now what

I keep having conversations with myself. One side of me pretending that i'm my mom showing up at the door of my brothers (josh) apartment and asking me to come live with them again. Not gonna happen. They'll come pick me up as usual to keep up appearences but thats not the way itll stay.

thats now, but as for the future i wont be a putney graduate. which has me kinda bummming out, yet somehow im kinda relieved because at other places i looked at there wasnt all this stuff. (by stuff i mean all these people with extreme mental issues) maybe ill fit in better and finally find what i really want.

Warm arms. Safety. Someone i can depend on. Someone...anyone who cares about me. thats what ive always wanted. there its out in the open im a softy for the romantic crap. i try so hard to push people away and force myself to not depend on anyone but me. but thats what i want most someone who i trust to care about me enough so i feel safe enough to finally relax and feel warm and cared about.

screw it all.

im applying for college next year. I wont get in, but its worth a try. if not ill probably end up at burr and burton. (semi private school in my town (not where i want to be at all))

why cant i just be satisfied with what i have. I go to a good school. I have a few nice friends. i dunno

I just don't know and im not sure i want to
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