Sunday, August 29, 2004
I think this is the last time im going to write in this thing. Ill probably make a new one but right now I have to shut all the doors to the past. This is a really big door.
As of two weeks ago I became a college student. A loser of a college student but nonetheless i am enrolled in Simons Rock College of Bard
I should say i love it because I do. But i just dont fit in. Apparently I am now part of a "GOM" dont ask me what the hell that means cause i have no idea
It consists of three other girls from my hall and two guys
Im kind of the 6th wheel
Morgan and Noah
Mea and Carl
Fallon fits in everywhere
and then... me
I am trying to be extremly social its working sort of, but u all know me. Anti social.
So thats school
as for home.. oi
im being emancipated from my father
my mom is still my guardian though.
austin starts school soon and same with muhoza
Life as i know it is not that bad by my standards
We got evicted a little while ago but i found us some new housing arrangements and as of now everyones happy
So 'tis time to close off this lj and start a new one. (a happy one hopefully) lol
well i should go.
say goodbye to the ninth pink sock (i lost it about a month and a half ago) lol
Saturday, May 15, 2004
So i sent in that app. to Simons Rock. I really hope i get in. I mean i have unoffcially, but i need cold hard evidence to trust the fact that i'm in.
Trust is a weird thing. I guess maybe just to me though because i dont trust anyone, i mean even if people say they dont trust anyone usually they do but i don't really.
We just got back from long spring and thinking back and seeing how i spent almost all of my free time by myself and the rest of the time barely talking it gave me time to think and i guess i thought most about fitting in to the sort of high school world and being accepted and i figured out why i dont fit in. I'm just on a different level than everyone else, not higher not lower just different. I don't know how to get to the spot where everyone else is and frankly im not sure i want to. I mean its a lot harder going to school and living with people i dont understand (not for lack of trying) and people who dont understand me. I mean i dont think i give people much to go on anyway. But still. Im in a different place than everyone else. Its like I see things differently because of who i am and what my life is like.
All im really doing here is confusing myself, but i guess its just hard. hey life is hard but you probably already knew that.
On long spring a couple of people got really wasted and told their sappy life stories. I'm tired of everyone complaining about their lives, not that i dont do it myself occasionally, but i intend to stop and i honestly dont mind people telling me their problems and listening to them, it actually makes me feel wanted but i hate when people who have so much do nothing but complain about what they dont have.
last night i was sent another picture from a friend of mine. He carved his name into his arm. There it was a picture of his forearm with Chris scratched across it in big red welts. Obtuse angles and straight lines criss crossing and intersecting along his smooth pale skin. His skin was the reason why so many girls wanted to go out with him, hes not a handsome guy but he had beautiful skin and now it isnt. It is red scars and its not from an accident, its self inflicted he ruined his gorgeous skin for a fad.
Friday, April 30, 2004
3:58PM - Saying Goodbye
I don't understand relationships. In fact I don't understand people. People are so complicated, there are so many factors and so many exceptions to the rules of being a person that there might as well not be any rules at all. So here I am, everythings good at home. My dad told me he loved me and that i can live there over the summer. I should be over the moon. But im not. im not content with the way things are. I should be but im not.
I guess im waiting for that dare to be great moment. maybe i missed it.
I sent in my application to Simons Rock and that is a burden sent by snail mail. I wish my letter would arrive tommorow. All i can say right now is goodbye putney i won't miss you all that much. Maybe im lying.
recently ive been doing things that ive never done before or things that people wouldnt expect me to do and it feels i dunno natural in a way. Im tired of being the "little ebbott" and im tired of people thinking im so damn innocent.
but theres nothing to do about it which is frustrating
Friday, April 16, 2004
I HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE!!! FINALLY!!! It's been an up and down week. First down hayden was in the hospital. Second up because hes going to be okay never the same but okay. Third down found out why he was sick. Decided he couldnt live with josh anymore so now im going to take him until josh cleans up. Fourth up i found a place for us to live. Fifth up/down the people were going to live with want to adopt hayden sixth down. im having asthma attacks left and right. But its all good my mom and sister are now provided for and everything is going to be good from now on. because i said so.
Thursday, April 1, 2004
9:26PM - now what
I keep having conversations with myself. One side of me pretending that i'm my mom showing up at the door of my brothers (josh) apartment and asking me to come live with them again. Not gonna happen. They'll come pick me up as usual to keep up appearences but thats not the way itll stay.
thats now, but as for the future i wont be a putney graduate. which has me kinda bummming out, yet somehow im kinda relieved because at other places i looked at there wasnt all this stuff. (by stuff i mean all these people with extreme mental issues) maybe ill fit in better and finally find what i really want.
Warm arms. Safety. Someone i can depend on. Someone...anyone who cares about me. thats what ive always wanted. there its out in the open im a softy for the romantic crap. i try so hard to push people away and force myself to not depend on anyone but me. but thats what i want most someone who i trust to care about me enough so i feel safe enough to finally relax and feel warm and cared about.
screw it all.
im applying for college next year. I wont get in, but its worth a try. if not ill probably end up at burr and burton. (semi private school in my town (not where i want to be at all))
why cant i just be satisfied with what i have. I go to a good school. I have a few nice friends. i dunno
I just don't know and im not sure i want to
Friday, March 5, 2004
9:02PM - Many nights we prayed...
This week has been a really hard week... So far one of my really good friends has been put in a mental hospital for being suicidal, I have handed harry bauld a paper about my dad and my life with him, which i'm afraid of, im scared to find out his reaction, my dad has once again been the most assholish a person can possibly be and MY STEP BROTHER CAME HOME!!!
About my friend, it scares me because i've been down this road before with someone else and it ended in an attempt so yea. dont want to go there.
Handing harry bauld the paper, im so afraid of what hell say. Not necesarily on what my lifes like,bubt also on just wether or not the paper is good.
Im most likely not coming back to putney next year because of my dads assholishness.
But what made it better was that after 7 months of hell my step brother finally came home to help me. He brought my nephew who i love and miss so much. My moms having a nervous breakdown because my dad left again and we ran out of her meds, but now that josh is back itll be so much better.
Break starts tomorrow and i dont know wether or not to be excited.
P.S. I just wish i knew how to cry right now, because i would
Sunday, February 29, 2004
6:41PM - Lifes labors lost
I am not a happy bunny. All my hard-work is going down the tube. I don't know why it just is. It just feels like everything i've worked for is slipping away from where I worked so hard to get it.
(This could also be because the nurses haven't given me my meds in 3 days)
On a different note which also does not make me a happy bunny is the fact that my dad went out and got a lawyer (who is more expensive than putney) and because of all the shit the lawyer said the court repealed the order that my dad pay for Putney. It's not about the god damn money anymore. He paid more for the fucking lawyer. What did I do to him to make him hate me so much?
Fuck that. When he asked me what I wanted for my birthday this year, all I wanted to say was for him to love me (which knowing him would have been asking too much) I would have settled for a hug that made me feel like he loved me. You know thats all I want a hug from someone I care about that makes me feel like they care about me too. Thats all I ever wanted.
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
10:48AM - likely...
Seeing as I have no money for college, theivery might be my possible career and if my dad leaves again it means my mom has no job and no money which means i'm screwed. Although the sad thing is the only thing I ever stole was a package of plastic rings when I was five and my mom made me give them back. So... yea.
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
1:17PM - Probably true
Monday, February 23, 2004
4:39PM - Another week begins
It's monday, I don't like mondays. Although i had a pretty damn awesome weekend. First things first, I had a comp at Okemo on sat and sun. On saturday i did ok, but on sunday I WON!! It made me so happy my coach grabbed me a lifted me up yelling that was awesome. Then my dad yelled at me on the way home saying that i didn't deserve to win, but o well. Then a close family friend showed up at my house really really close to killing himself again, although I had no idea he was suicidal. So thats a new and interesting fact.
I still don't have a legal gardian which makes things complicated, because if I wasn't at Putney and if my dad didn't mind not keeping up appearences i'd be in some half-way house. Although what makes things more complicated is the fact that I may not want or be able to come back to putney next year. I don't have any money but all that's going on makes me think that i shouldn't be spending what little money I have on high school, I should really be saving it for college. And somehow i just feel like I dont really want to be here anymore, this school is turning into a rehab center and thats pretty much what i used to run for my brother and his friends. I dont want to be in a drug-oriented place helping or no.
So my plans for the future... I have none
Thursday, February 19, 2004
9:09PM - uhhhh ok...
Monday, February 16, 2004
damnit, i have been sick all weekend, damnit. Theres a virus going around my dorm and everyones got it, so at least im not all by my lonesome.
And now I have to write a paper for english and I dont want to. I really dont like writing all these autobiographies for this class, what am I supposed to write... that my dad has OCPD and im a work-a-holic because i have nothing better to do, yet this is the ironic part, im lazy as all hell. o well
(max voice) damnit
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
1:14PM - Turn it up...
My life has turned upsidedown and then right side up again in a week. Last tuesday my dad came home from Pheonix and kicked me out of the house for no reason I can see. Then on thursday he calls me and says I can go home only when hes not there. Which is quite often. But that hurt more than him just plain kicking me out. Then he showed up at my dorm on Saturday to pick me up because I had a competition and he had schelduled a lawyer so he would no longer be my legal gaurdian. So he met my roomate and acted all nice. I so wanted to kick him. Then we get in the car and says he didn't mean it and i have a place to stay whenever im in CT or Manchester. It makes me so mad because things like this happen too often. He needs to make up his mind, does he want me to be his daughter or not?
Friday, February 6, 2004
8:17AM - Quiet is not a reality
I have been living in this room all year and I can't take it anymore. The other night it was just so loud and I was ready to walk out there and scream. For those of you who dont know I live caddy-corner to my dormheads kitchen and the common room. Theres a room open down the hall. Its kinda late in the game to ask for it but i think i will even though i like my roomate i dont like living with people. Im lost as usual on what to do.
Saturday, January 31, 2004
I went to sleep at 2 this morning and I just woke up 10 mins ago after I had the weirdest dream I have ever had in my entire life. The first was just stupid I was in the barn, working, and I had no shoes on. It was odd. The second needs a little explanation first. for those of you who know me, you know I work to help pay to come here, and I'm on financial aid, and a scholarship from home. If my dad leaves my mom all the money I make to come here will have to go to my mother to help pay for groceries and bills and the like. My Aunt and Uncle work at Phillips Academy in Andover, if I decided to go there, if I lived with them (in their dorm) during the school year, I wouldn't have to pay because family of employees gets to go free.
So the dream:
It was near the end of my sophmore year and I had no money to pay for next year at Putney. So I had to withdraw. I remember long meetings with Lois Barber, Dave Arnstein, and a few others. I told them I wanted to be at Putney more than anything. They said if I could ever pay, I wouldn't have to apply again, but they couldn't give me a free ride (more financial aid). (Just to get one thing straight when i'm concious I never cry, only when Stevek and Dj died and when I hurt myself severly and when it all just gets to be way way too much (which isn't often)). So here I am leaving school, telling everyone I want to come back. When I get in the car with all my stuff, I burst into tears, not little o woe is me tears, but big fat ones. Then it skipped straight to my first weeks at Andover. I get there, move into my single, kiss my mom goodbye and kiss my aunt and uncle hello. From then i turn into a robot, I would go to classes, go to meals at my assigned table, go to my room do my homework, shower, sleep. I never said a word unless I had to. Everyone knew I was miserable. I was called to the deans office several times to discuss why I was so unhappy, all I would say is "I don't want to be here, I want to be at Putney". For some reason, my hair was blue streaked and for that and the fact I never talked to anyone, everyone made fun of mean, even my cousins. Then it skipped to where I started missing classes to sneak off campus and work at this grimy little pizza place about a 25 min. walk from the campus gate. Then there I am again in the deans office. He's telling me about how I cannot skip class to go work (even though i get straight A's), and that he knows how unhappy i am. All i said was "I have to get back to Putney"
Then it's December, it's snowing and when i arrive at the door to my room there's an envelope stuck to my door. It has a note inside that says-
You can come back to Putney now.
Theres also a check for 20,000 dollars.
I must have fainted because before I know it i'm on the phone with dave arnstein asking if thats enough to come back. "Not quite but i'll make you a deal, you give that to us and pay the rest when you can afford it"
So now i'm back at Putney crying and hugging Karla, Dave, anyone nearby, which isnt really something i do. Im just so happy to be back.
then i woke up.
It's too close to reality what is it supposed to mean??
Monday, January 26, 2004
12:17PM - How to say good bye...
wendy's gone and everyones upset from my dormhead all the way to my former roomate. Like i said i knew she was gonna leave so its not as though its a huge shocker or anything. Max is really upset though so, She was so upset last night and i didnt know what to do. i just kinda left her with someone else and went to my room. I feel terrible about that but i didnt know how to act or what to do. all i could think of was how i wanted stevek there to tell me what to do. its been two months since he died and i still dont know how to feel, am i supposed to feel better or still depressed. i dont remember feeling any of this when Dj died or when my step-brother ran away and took Hayden with him. I guess with Hayden was that i knew he would be alive and okay in the long run, with Dj i was nine (an old nine) but still to young to understand why he was gone and i guess i also had time to get used to it because he passed away three months after they gave up treating him for cancer.
You know whats making me feel guilty most of all is the fact that im not feeling sorry for wendy, she made a mistake and she has to live with the consequences, and im not feeling sorry for anyone whos hurting over her leaving, they have to accept it and move on, many of us already knew wendy was going to leave before we even heard about it.
I tried milking this morning and i did it but i couldnt do it at the same time, my hand hurt so much that i messed up a lot. I even took a milker off a cow before she was half-done. Then i realized my mistake and put it back before the cow i had switched it to was done. It was a mess.
I cant seem to get over the fact that steveks gone, hayden and josh (step-brother) are gone, Djs long gone, my dads gone, everyones gone. I dont want to say goodbye anymore.
Sunday, January 25, 2004
6:50PM - its sunday
wow this is really hard. this weekend was the Stevek Mogul Challenge at stratton. On Saturday i did okay, taking 2nd and 8th overall. Today although was a different story. The reason i said this is so hard (typing that is) is because from the top of my thumb to my elbow i am in a half cast, (cast and ace bandage) because someone left a bandana on the course and it caught my ski and i fell. so i sprained my thumb and broke my wrist. so im pissed i dont know how im gonna milk tommorow.
wendy is leaving and there is a big commotion in the halls. Max is upset, so is Cat. I can't say if i am or not because i knew it was going to happen so its not really a shock to me. o well maybe shell do better at another school, hopefully...
Friday, January 23, 2004
1:07PM - speeches
So i'm leaving school today at 5 o'clock to go compete at Stratton. THE STEVEK MEMORIAL MOGUL CHALLENGE. theres a big party saturday night to give out awards and have all these random people give speeches about Stevek. Im one of the random people and i dont have a word. Im supposed to say whatevers in my heart and i have no clue whats in there... blood?? I never took Anatomy. And since i am a terrible public speaker im screwed.WOOHOO
Monday, January 19, 2004
3:26PM - And all that jazz...
Well welcome to hell, respectivly. You commited these crimes in life. Seriously thats what it was like sitting there listening to this guy analyze my life. I had to sit there for an hour and a half while he asked me about every knitty gritty detail of my life. I think i b.s.'ed more than ever in my life in that session just to get him off my back. so in the end i guess i made it sound like it was my fault that my dad is OCPD. then he goes on to say how it probably is my fault just to see my reaction. I was soooo ready to get up and scream my fuckin head off at him. then he goes on to ask me how i feel about my moms need for dependence on a man and my sisters perfectionisms and IBS. Jesus Christ i barely have enough time to sleep with all the shit i have to do. My mom is sooooo out there she would let my sister walk around dressed like a hooker, so yesterday my purpose for going to the most dreaded place on earth (the mall) was to go to my sisters fav. clothing stores and see whether they're ok or not for a 13 year old. if i had told this guy he would have said i was overly controling and put me on meds for that too. Already he tried to put me on prozac, celexa and some crap for (fancy disease name) that keeps me from feeling at fault. it sucked.
Happier topic. My best friend is coming to visit me a school today!!!! Im so excited he is the greatest. Hes gonna make fun of me because i had school today and he went skiing but whatever itll be nice to see someone who knows me really well.
Now off to the second teir of hell (homework)
Thursday, January 15, 2004
6:28PM - Wild Mountain Thyme my ass
It's almost winter fun weekend!!! Which basically means no hmwk and I dont have class on Saturday!!! It also means that finding no saturday classes really awesome means i have no life. Damn my room is loud people are yelling outside about calling someone on the phone naked. I really didnt want to know they were doing that. I regret to sound like my sister but ewww.
New Subject: I have to write a 200 word paragraph summarizing my life, any ideas, suggestions??? Please??
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