random (ninepinksocks) wrote,

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How to say good bye...

wendy's gone and everyones upset from my dormhead all the way to my former roomate. Like i said i knew she was gonna leave so its not as though its a huge shocker or anything. Max is really upset though so, She was so upset last night and i didnt know what to do. i just kinda left her with someone else and went to my room. I feel terrible about that but i didnt know how to act or what to do. all i could think of was how i wanted stevek there to tell me what to do. its been two months since he died and i still dont know how to feel, am i supposed to feel better or still depressed. i dont remember feeling any of this when Dj died or when my step-brother ran away and took Hayden with him. I guess with Hayden was that i knew he would be alive and okay in the long run, with Dj i was nine (an old nine) but still to young to understand why he was gone and i guess i also had time to get used to it because he passed away three months after they gave up treating him for cancer.
You know whats making me feel guilty most of all is the fact that im not feeling sorry for wendy, she made a mistake and she has to live with the consequences, and im not feeling sorry for anyone whos hurting over her leaving, they have to accept it and move on, many of us already knew wendy was going to leave before we even heard about it.

I tried milking this morning and i did it but i couldnt do it at the same time, my hand hurt so much that i messed up a lot. I even took a milker off a cow before she was half-done. Then i realized my mistake and put it back before the cow i had switched it to was done. It was a mess.

I cant seem to get over the fact that steveks gone, hayden and josh (step-brother) are gone, Djs long gone, my dads gone, everyones gone. I dont want to say goodbye anymore.
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