random (ninepinksocks) wrote,

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to be or not to be that is the question...

I went to sleep at 2 this morning and I just woke up 10 mins ago after I had the weirdest dream I have ever had in my entire life. The first was just stupid I was in the barn, working, and I had no shoes on. It was odd. The second needs a little explanation first. for those of you who know me, you know I work to help pay to come here, and I'm on financial aid, and a scholarship from home. If my dad leaves my mom all the money I make to come here will have to go to my mother to help pay for groceries and bills and the like. My Aunt and Uncle work at Phillips Academy in Andover, if I decided to go there, if I lived with them (in their dorm) during the school year, I wouldn't have to pay because family of employees gets to go free.
So the dream:
It was near the end of my sophmore year and I had no money to pay for next year at Putney. So I had to withdraw. I remember long meetings with Lois Barber, Dave Arnstein, and a few others. I told them I wanted to be at Putney more than anything. They said if I could ever pay, I wouldn't have to apply again, but they couldn't give me a free ride (more financial aid). (Just to get one thing straight when i'm concious I never cry, only when Stevek and Dj died and when I hurt myself severly and when it all just gets to be way way too much (which isn't often)). So here I am leaving school, telling everyone I want to come back. When I get in the car with all my stuff, I burst into tears, not little o woe is me tears, but big fat ones. Then it skipped straight to my first weeks at Andover. I get there, move into my single, kiss my mom goodbye and kiss my aunt and uncle hello. From then i turn into a robot, I would go to classes, go to meals at my assigned table, go to my room do my homework, shower, sleep. I never said a word unless I had to. Everyone knew I was miserable. I was called to the deans office several times to discuss why I was so unhappy, all I would say is "I don't want to be here, I want to be at Putney". For some reason, my hair was blue streaked and for that and the fact I never talked to anyone, everyone made fun of mean, even my cousins. Then it skipped to where I started missing classes to sneak off campus and work at this grimy little pizza place about a 25 min. walk from the campus gate. Then there I am again in the deans office. He's telling me about how I cannot skip class to go work (even though i get straight A's), and that he knows how unhappy i am. All i said was "I have to get back to Putney"
Then it's December, it's snowing and when i arrive at the door to my room there's an envelope stuck to my door. It has a note inside that says-
You can come back to Putney now.
Theres also a check for 20,000 dollars.
I must have fainted because before I know it i'm on the phone with dave arnstein asking if thats enough to come back. "Not quite but i'll make you a deal, you give that to us and pay the rest when you can afford it"
So now i'm back at Putney crying and hugging Karla, Dave, anyone nearby, which isnt really something i do. Im just so happy to be back.
then i woke up.
It's too close to reality what is it supposed to mean??
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